Addriana

Innocence Lost

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2014 at 6:09 AM

“People have to forgive. We don’t have to keep them in our lives, we don’t be have to befriend them, we don’t have to send them heart texts but we have to forgive them, to overlook to let go, in order to be free. Because if we don’t we are tying rock to our feet too much for our wings to carry.” ~ C. Joybell C.

What is Holding you back?

I know we think that forgiveness is letting someone of the “hook,” or letting yourself off the “hook” by not talking and just “forgetting” it ever happened. This causes the situation to fester and grow, consequently turning into bitterness and hatred. Forgiveness is about releasing and freeing yourself. Forgiveness was one of the most difficult choices I had to make in my life! Ultimately, it freed me from a bondage I never realized I was in. I was angry, guarded, defensive, not affectionate and short-tempered. In my youth I felt ugly, dirty and ashamed.

Innocence GoneFlashback to my childhood, my father left my mother with 5 children. We were on welfare and my mother did the best she could with what she had. MY MOTHER IS AN AMAZING, LOVING, ATTENTIVE AND KIND WOMAN! But something happened when she wasn’t looking. A man took advantage of my innocence molested me for 2 years and then tried to rape me at the tender age of nine. Thank God he was not successful in his attempt but my innocence died. I HATED HIM!  I became burdened with unforgiveness.  I was afraid of puberty and as a teen I wrapped my breasts in ace bandages, in an attempt to ward off the inevitable. I despised, I can say I loathed skirts…to me skirts were easy access for a predator. So I always wore pants, even with my Catholic school uniforms. I dared someone to question me…including the nuns! I was not “THAT” girl, who twirled in a circle as my skirt fluttered in the air. That little girl ceased to exist and I became an angry, withdrawn, prisoner of distrust and unforgiveness.

Fast forward to the present: Several years ago I read the book, “The Shack,” it is a great book of God’s grace and forgiveness. I can’t tell you how many times I threw that book across the room. The Shack forced me to face my unforgiveness toward that man who robbed me of my innocence. I learned that I was still connected to him and he still had power over me. Essentially, I was a hostage of his betrayal. I had a bitter spirit that consumed my every move and anyone that triggered my anger would regret the moment they crossed me.  I had to come to grips and face the fact that I had to forgive him…not for his sake, but for mine.

The day came when I spoke to him face to face. But this time, I was in charge now, I was in control.  He naturally denied the incidents but in his eyes there was guilt and shame. I actually felt sorry for him, I don’t know why but my heart broke. As I walked away I was finally able to grieve, mourn and wail for that little girl whose innocence was stolen. However, I also wept for the brokenness of this man because at the end I knew Jesus had died for him, as He did for me. I released the boulder of unforgiveness that was weighing me down and I laid it at the cross. It was then I understood what Jesus meant when He said, “It is FINISHED!” All the anger, sadness, bitterness, hatred, and depression, gone! IT WAS FINISHED! The enemy of my soul could never use it against me again, it was over because I took it to the Cross and traded it for my freedom. Forgiveness didn’t change my past, but it did enlarge my future.

My test: Would I pass or fail?

A Princess Approximately six months after I spoke with the man, my then four-year granddaughter, who truly believes she is royalty and of Princess lineage, was at my home. This particular day was absolutely beautiful, warm, sunny  and a slight breeze was blowing. My granddaughter was wearing colorful tutu skirt. She suddenly realized I had jeans and begged me to put on a skirt. She ran to my closet and chose a flowing skirt, I had never worn. I put it on over my jeans. She grabbed my hand and we ran outside. She began to twirl and said “Bita spin!” I couldn’t, I wanted to but I COULDN’T, I was frozen! Do WHAT?!?! A flood gate of emotions ran through me.  I didn’t sign up for this! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! She stopped spinning and took my hand into her little hand and said, “It’s ok, I’ll teach you.” Something skipped in my heart as I started off slowly, she screamed faster!  I gained speed, as the tears rolled down my cheeks, and for the first time in my life I became, “THAT,” girl who twirled in a skirt… My granddaughter cheered me on, “YAY!!! BITA YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!  GO BITA IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY! GO! GO! GO!”  FREE I WAS AND FREE I WILL ALWAYS BE, IN JESUS NAME!   Out of the mouth of babes…you have perfected praise!” Matthew 21:16 

Photo Credit: A. Montalvo-Andujar  

Keeping It Simple Straightforward

 

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  1. Wow touched my heart!

  2. Wow, Mita, I just cried my eyes out. Unfortunately this has happened to too many of us and I am sorry it happened to you too. I myself was molested by my stepfather at an early age and I never told anyone until I was in my twenties and then it made me upset that my mother did not say or do anything and continue to talk to this man like if it had never happened (they were not together anymore by then). I never forgave him and I was happy when he died.(but it killed me when I had to say I was sorry for his lost to my youngest brother even though I did not mean it) I have learned to understand that it was not my fault (It took for ever to acknowledge this, but I finally accept it and that freed me from my own self dislike). Thanks for sharing!

    • Rhina, this was one of the hardest things I have ever written. I never said a word to anyone, to this day I’ve never told my mom. I became an angry tomboy who championed the cause against bullies, I became a fighter. I just had to find a way to release my hatred and that only came by forgiving this man. As a child I pushed everyone away including my aunts, uncles and cousins. I was not the favorite of the group and that was fine by me!!! It wasn’t until I released him with forgiveness that I became a touchy, feely, sort of person. He is still alive and I have been in his presence I actually feel sorry for him, he is very sick now, I only hope he has made peace with himself before he meets his demise.

      Please share the blog with your friends and family. If they’d like they can sign up and receive it directly to their emails on a weekly basis. The email accounts are kept private.

  3. Once again Mita, thanks for sharing, I guess we all deal with this kind of stuff in different ways. I disliked my self for years and felt I was ugly and that I didn’t deserve anything! These man (sometimes women) don’t realize the kind of damage that do to our souls. I am glad you freed yourself from the pain and self damage. You are a better woman that I’ll ever be for giving him! Yes I’ll share the blog. Love you girl

  4. Your testimony of forgiveness is powerful and remarkable. What touched me the most is how God used your granddaughter to complete the healing process who eminates all of God’s love, grace, wisdom and so much more. I commend you for pushing and breaking thru and completing your healing and obeying the tender voice of God through your precious and royal granddaughter whom I love dearly!!!!!!
    Sincerely
    Melinda

    • I could never have reached that pinnacle moment of the healing process if I had not released my hatred, bitterness and pain. That took forgiving that man in spite of my feeling. I came to a place where I was going to lose my sanity or lose my hatred. After I released the unforgiveness I saw that man through Jesus’ eyes and what a sad sight it was. Thanks for the encouragement. TTYL!

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